If anyone knows anything about me…or anything about anyone in this entire world, it’s that we all hate bugs.
Mosquitos, spiders, centipedes….ugh, what is your purpose here?! JUST GO AWAY. You have all this land in the woods and forests and yet you insist on populating in my house, or better yet, my car.
Oh, so let me tell you what happened to me this morning while I was gracefully driving on the highway going 80 MPH. That’s 30 MPH over the suggested speed limit because let’s face it, if you’re going speed limit on this highway you will get cut like you’re in Fight Club. Hey, I don’t make the rules..
I look up for a moment and all I see is a spider the size of Godzilla’s child cascade across my mirror which is literally 3 inches from my face. Now remember: I am driving on a highway. I could do one of three things:
1) Be responsible and ignore the spider. It’s not gonna hurt me, awww it’s so cute and harmless! On the other hand it may brush its ugly hairy legs up against me….
2) Scream and hope that the spider doesn’t notice me and just bursts into flames. If it crawls towards me – this is going to be a double suicide.
3) Try to kill it, possibly get into an accident and have to explain that I almost killed everyone because of a spider.
I actually did a combo of 2 and 3 because I don’t trust those little demons. Wasn’t gonna hurt me?! LOL you wish. That thing could emotionally scar me.
I don’t understand why out of ALL the things that could just appear in front of my face, it has to be a spider. God, couldn’t you send me down a couple hundred bucks? Maybe even have big foot appear so I could prove he exists and become famous? What about Justin Bieber? What about that guy with the chainsaw who kills all those people in that one movie? He seems nice. Why…WHY A SPIDER?! I would take a badly designed business card over this crap. Even the ones that get stuck in your windshield wipers when it’s raining out.
I threatened the spider and told him I was going to kill him ‘and his entire family’ (a little much eh? I was mad) once I got out of this car. I also swore under my breath while changing songs on my CD to reflect my mood. Which didn’t help considering Chris Brown’s “Turn Up The Music” came on. Horrible choice.
Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t find a proper murder weapon in time – and by the time I looked up the spider was gone. Full paranoia kicked in.
Where the hell could he have gone?! I was looking at the same place he was in!! WHERE DID HE GO?! I DONT UNDERSTAND!!??!! DOES THIS CAR HAVE PORTALS IM NOT AWARE OF? OMG MAYBE HE HAS A HOUSE IN HERE AND I DONT KNOW IT. HOLY CRAP. WHAT IF HES IN MY SHOES. OMGGGGG!!
The other drivers should be thankful my windows were up, all I’m saying. I was too busy paranoid about where the spider was to be paying attention to the road, but I convinced myself a bug was not worth getting into an accident. Of course this was 20 minutes in. I spent 40 minutes in a car with that little wretched thing. I literally spent quality time with a bug. In an enclosed space. No way out. I spent more time with a spider than I did with my own family. Damn. That’s some deep stuff right there.
The moment I got to the parking structure, I went on a full manhunt looking for that little demon. To my dismay, he was gone. It’s as if he was trained by some magician and just vanished. What the hell.
I cracked my windows open for 8 hours and hoped by the time I got back that spider would at least know how to escape. But…what if he likes it in my car?
Yup, I’m walking to work.