For the last two weeks I have learned all there is to know about cars. Specifically that when a light turns on from your dashboard, it’s not a special effect in time for Christmas. Lights that come up on your dashboard sadly are not there to embellish the inside of your car, but rather tell you “hey so not that you care anything …but your tire is about to pop and fly off in the middle of the highway LOL. Oh also the song you’re listening to is horrible. The hell is wrong with you?”

From the beginning I knew nothing about cars. If you asked me to elaborate on what I drive I could tell you what color it is and how many accidents I’ve almost been in.

What is that stupid light with the exclamation point and WHY IS IT YELLING AT ME LIKE THAT? Why is it yellow with squiggly lines? What does that even mean?

I was looking at my dashboard while driving on the highway but thought nothing of it. My car is so pretentious with using complicated symbols to try to tell me of its weaknesses. Why the hell wouldn’t the dashboard lights just SAY WHAT WAS WRONG?! Why must they use the most weird and outlandish symbols and illustrations to communicate a message of urgency? Oh your engine is about to explode? Here why don’t we use some lines that look like a dinosaur eating an apple to illustrate the idea to you. We’re sure you’ve read the 120 page manual in 8pt font before you drove this car.

Anyways, I’m thinking this thing on my dashboard is nothing special. Things light up on my dashboard all the time and I just ignore it. Check engine?! LOLLLLL ok you just want attention.

Except when I looked up what the symbol meant, it wasn’t so pretty. I went into a mini panic mode. Tire pressure. Not really familiar with this concept, but I just thought if I made it to a gas station I would simply fill up the tire and everything would be fine. Not a big deal! Before this I had no idea tires needed to be periodically changed. I always assumed that the car would just run well forever, and only recently I was introduced to the idea of an oil change. Oops….

Driving 60 MPH on the highway my tire blew out. I had no idea what the loud noise was until I realized it was my own car….pulled over to the shoulder and I thought, this could go one of two ways:

I could cry and go into mini depression (like I always do)
I could laugh even though it wasn’t funny but still I am a survivor of my own tragedy

SOOOO I just started laughing. I figured crying would do nothing but make me feel miserable, and why would I? It already happened. No point in crying over spilled milk.

This was kind of a big break through for me because in tough situations I’m pretty sensitive and just bust out crying…but this time I chose to deal with it differently. I called my Mom and told her the story and soon my brother met me up and helped me change my tire.

I sat on the side of the highway and thought….damnnnn I didn’t cry. I guess I’m growing up (booooooo!!!)

Funny thing is, the next week after I got my tire replaced the tire pressure sign came on again (this time I knew what that satanic symbol meant and I cursed the entire world). LONGGG story short, the used tire my brother recommended me to get “because it’s only $20 and the same thing” (never trust a guy, clearly) as a new tire – needed to be replaced because it was rotting. Who the hell used that tire before me?! Gang members? SOMEONE FROM NASCAR?!

Now I have to do the thing I fear most: go to a car shop. That is literally like an old person walking into an electronics store just trying to buy an ipod. You know they are walking out with a 65 inch tv with an apple computer, 20 year warranty and a usb connector to a projector with a 5 year Netflix subscription just because the 18 year old who sold it to them said it would be necessary to play Justin Bieber’s new CD.

Now this normally wouldn’t be a big problem to most people but take into consideration I am a tiny 100 pound light haired girl named Jessica ….the cash signs suddenly appear into every mechanics sparkling eyes.

I have to walk into a car shop and try not to look like a complete idiot. Tires have sizes? Oh yeah, is it the same as shoe sizes?! Kind of? No….hmm….oh? My brakes need changing? My signal needs to be re-signaled? Yeah yeah just add it to my card.

I don’t want to be that kind of person. I actually had to google things about cars and ask around before going because I didn’t want to get ripped off. I went into Belle Tire confident that if they ever asked me about photoshop or pixel dimension I would be able to SCHOOL THOSE SUCKAS but they never did. Heh. They just talked about cars. Whatever.

I ended up getting a good deal, but only because I had some guys help me ask the right questions (Thanks Brian and David!).

Dread the day that the tire pressure signal comes on. Which reminds me …I really need to get that AIRBAG sign to go away, the red hurts my eyes.

I would also like to point out that I had no one to ask about cars or tell me anything about them the entire time I’ve been driving….I really had no idea any of it. My dad, brothers, no one told me anything. I never had anyone to ask for advice about. I guess it’s very irresponsible of me not to know, but I didn’t know any better. Now that I DO know I will keep maintenance on my vehicle :)


  1. October 26, 2013 at 7:47 am Soph

    You know more about cars than me. I don’t even drive a car. I had a moped lesson, and two driving lessons with my mother in a tin can car which is already dented in multiple places, but that doesn’t count really, does it? I don’t know the highway code, at all. So, relax in the fact that you know so much more than me.

    What you just described is something I dread about cars. Like you, I wouldn’t have a clue what to do about lights and symbols and tyres. It’s all just confusing. So I appreciate your pain in this matter. Really, why does everything have to be so complicated? Or maybe it’s just complicated in my mind…

    Well anyway, at least next time that this happens, you’ll know. You’ve moved up in the world of car knowledge, so congratulations on that! I, however, will remain ignorant for some time yet.

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